The Gospel According to George

I've been wallowing lately, as is evident from my last posting. I've actually been wallowing for quite some time now. Since around April 2006. I know this because that is when the Paxil I was taking for 7 some years stopped working. I had resigned myself to take this little pink pill for the rest of my life because it was too hard to stop. Then, it quit me. It broke up with me. Even though I held up my end of the bargain, it decided to stop working.

I went through eight months of horrific withdrawal, and there were a couple times I really belived I wouldn't make it through. It caused havoc in my marriage, havoc in my home, and most of all, havoc in my brain.

It's been about eight months since I stopped taking any drugs at all - I was given drugs to get off of the Paxil, which I stopped taking in December. It's been okay, although I still have withdrawal effects - mainly head zaps, which I had this morning when the alarm woke me up. But for the most part, the effects are minimal and I am able to function as a normal human.

Emotionally, though, I haven't been functioning. I have been checking out. When I talk to most people, I do my best to cover it up. The less you know me, the more you think I'm the life of the party. But if you are one of the lucky few, you get to see what I have come to identify as the real me - anxious, sad, self-consumed with pity and frozen with fear.

So I talked about it with my best friend last night. My best friend Jason. This is not a new conversation. It comes up about once a month, right when I am most hormonal and crazed. And I decided to act on what I have always believed - the only person who can change the way I'm living my life is me. It's not up to Jason, or my mother or sister or cousin or friend. Everyone will continue to pass me by, not because they want to - but because they have to keep on living too.

It's a choice that is simple in theory but difficult to get started. Get up and stop thinking, start doing. Don't think about all the ugly and just start doing something. I would sit back, before, and think 'is this what life is? a series of distractions?' But there is more. Because through the distraction, people find quiet, peace, joy. Whether it's yoga or jewellry making or starting a business from scratch - people find purpose, which then keeps them coming back.

So long story short - it's time to get distracted. I've done this before and always stopped a few weeks into a change. Reverted back to my sullen, cynical place which is quite comfortable but also increasingly lonely. So this time, I think I came up with a technique to keep me on the right track.

The technique comes from a spiritual leader of our generation that transcends any church or organization. That leader? George Constanza.

Yep. George Constanza from Seinfeld. Here's the deal - there was an episode once where George decided that he was going to do the exact opposite of what he wanted to do. When he did that, he found success. He went up to the beautiful woman at the coffee shop, rather than sitting back and wondering what if, and ended up having lunch with her. He went from being unemployed to working for the New York Yankees. He finally moved out of his parents' house.

The point is - the way he was living wasn't working. So he changed it, and with change found success.

I love my family. I love being Jason's wife and Charlie's mom. But I am not a big fan of doing anything for myself. I wallow. So instead, I am going to try this opposite thing. I usually hate getting up and spend as much time in possible in the morning sleeping. Most days I let Jason get up with Charlie just so I could sleep an extra half hour. So today, I set my alarm and got up before everyone else. The alarm went off and I tried to press the snooze button, which didn't work. So I turned it off and almost went back to sleep. But then I remembered, the old Amy would have gone back to sleep. The new Amy then got up, stumbled to the kitchen to get coffee started, and went downstairs. Before doing so, I peeked in Charlie's room and saw him looking so peaceful, so still. The house was so silent. This is the time I've been searching for - the time where the rest of my house is safe and asleep and I can do whatever I want for me. So I lost an hour of sleep. Like Jason tells me all the time, "You can sleep when you're dead."

I turned on some music and started researching my latest writing project. I read about the Christian Reformed Church in the calm of the morning and got great ideas for my main character. I feel good. I'm ready to start the day.

I just heard the shower turn on and I think I hear some 2 year old squawking. It's time for the rest of my household to start their day.

So you're not passing me by anymore. I'm keeping up with you. And although I protested, I know now that's it's much better to keep moving. When I look back at all that I accomplished when I was stagnant, I can only imagine what I can achieve when actually trying. Actually living.