Itsa Cysta

About two weeks ago, I had a pain in my side that I was certain was appendicitis. I went to the emergency room after my doctor told me over the phone to run, not walk (I thought about explaining to him that I was doubled over in pain, and would not be running anywhere, but decided to hang up and hightail it), and discovered my appendix was just fine. Turns out I have a bunch of cysts on my ovary. At least one was leaking. Ew. So I was like, whatever, it hurts, what do ya got for me? So they sent over the nurse with the IV.

I tried to warn the lady that I have tiny veins, but she wouldn't listen. She poked my arm about 8,000 times, and then she began to swear under her breath. "I was 100% today, too!" she said, all pissed off. She looked at me then with an evil eye and I would have felt guilty if she wasn't jabbing a big thick needle into my arm, wiggling it around to try to tap some vein, any vein. "Dammit, it collapsed!" She threw me another ugly glare, "I was 100% perfect today, until you came along." She got up to get a new needle and I sent Jason a silent message with my eyes: "oh shit get me out of here." But I knew that needle would eventually get me the good stuff, the nectar of all that is beautiful, full of rainbows and unicorns, so I decided to turn my arm over to her again.

"Just a little poke," she said sarcastically as she stabbed my arm a second time. She wiggled the needle back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and then she says something you never want to hear the person inserting anything intravenously to say: "Is it getting hot in here?"

She yanks that needle out and says, "I'm done." I was like, "But what about my nectar of all that is beautiful?" She said, "I'll get the new girl over here to do it."

Oh, great.

Turns out the new girl kicks ass at finding a vein and did it on her first try, one-handed and blindfolded. The veteran came back to give me the juicy juice and she said, "I'm going to give this to you slow - if you get it too quickly, you'll probably freak out." I felt a cool warmth enter my arm and coat my spine, oozing downward into my legs and I was so suddenly thick and dense, I was certain I couldn't move my arms and legs. Surely this was overkill for a leaky cyst, no? But no matter - I'll take it anyway.

The nurse asked me how I was feeling, and I replied, "Heavy." "Oh you're not heavy, hon. The meds must be working."

I don't know what that sadist gave me, but all was forgiven.